Student Essay Review on Use of Outcome

文章主要通过举例子来阐述说明坐着的观点，语言的严谨性和逻辑性等都是影响文章的论文的评审。
This is a fluent essay with rigorous language and dialectical logic but without too many subjective assumes. You meticulously choose the words to explain the references and express your point of view, thus creating an article in a precise style. For example, you wrote “Under this immense pressure, Nina becomes torn between her obligation to please others and be her imperfect self at the same time.”, which precisely concludes Nina’s mental state. 
Speaking of the structure of this essay, however, several changes could be made to improve the clearness. First of all, the claim is not clear. At the end of first paragraph, you wrote: “the high tension created by this combination of perfection and self fulfillment causes her to fall apart due to the overexertion necessary for meeting both aspirations.”. As the claim of this whole essay, this sentence contains too many unsorted information and fails to be clear. Readers have no way to get informed what the main arguments of this article are. The title does not help. Because of the unclear claim, the conclusion part seems like a plain summary instead of an open discussion to the claim.
As to the use of texts, for some really important statements, you seem to always use the reference articles by citation. Furthermore, the connection between citation and examples from Black Swam is lacked. In other words, the conversation between them is not seen. For example, when stating how parents stress their children, how coaches’ words affect students’ performance and how Nina’s fear of failure causes her negative effects, you cite some long sentences to support your analysis but no connection between them is seen. Therefore the text you cited seems somewhat isolated with the main story. Citation is not the only way to refer from an article, nor the best way. Especially for the part how Lily’s appearance aggravates her Nina’s stress, since your citation is more about the effect of athletes’ fear of failure, the text will be more supportive to your argument if you paraphrase the citation and add some connecting sentences instead of plain citation. It will make the essay smoother too.

     The order of your arguments is logical and clear. You start from Nina’s mother, and then you choose her coach, her peer, and herself at the end. The order is based on the closeness of the relationship. But there are some flaws inside your arguments. The first two of your arguments, where you discuss how the way she handles pressure from her mother and her coach influences her, seem persuasive in a logical way, but in the following two parts, it is confusing what your arguments are. The focus seems lost in the third part, making readers have no idea if it is about competition or dear of failure. For the fourth part, it seems to be more about how stress causes disorders and does changes to her, instead of perfectionism.

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