About_Me...

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learnt in seven years.” – Mark Twain. Much like Mark Twain, as I age, I begin to view my parents in a different way than I did as an adolescent. Much of this is the result of many changes in my relationship with my parents. Becoming an adult and having my own child has caused me to have so much more respect for each parent. Our relationship has greatly improved since I have become an adult. While not all relationships between adolescents and parents improve when the adolescent reaches adulthood, I have a very different view of my parent since leaving home and having a child of my own. Adolescence is in some ways, a very egocentric time during life. Many adolescents, as did I, view their parents as ignorant or worse and have a difficult time understanding their parents’ perspectives. Adolescents often look at their parents with a pitiless gaze magnifying deficiencies and becoming irritated by their imperfections although, in adulthood most come to see their parents in a much more sympathetic and benevolent light. As an adolescent emerges into adulthood, he or she will begin to establish a new relationship with their parents as friends or even near- equals. These changes do not happen overnight, but occur gradually throughout emerging adulthood. These changes establish a new intimacy for the parent with a new sense of mutual respect. Because of this newfound respect, the adolescent begins to value the opinions of their parents, as does the parent for the values of the adolescent. This is known as filial maturity. Filial maturity is a large factor influencing relationships and refers to the adult child’s ability to accept their parents as individuals- recognizing parent’s personal needs and goals, accepting imperfections and failings as well as their positive qualities. Achieving this maturity requires understanding, patience, and self-acceptance. In order to make these changes, the parents of an adolescent adapt to their growing maturity and treat them differently in emerging adulthood than they did in adolescence. Each party begins to have more respect for each other. For parents, the role as monitor and rule enforcer diminishes which results in a more relaxed and amiable relationship with their children. Things begin to improve once the emerging adult leaves home. Once they do leave home, they begin to realize their parents are neither dumb nor clueless as they once thought, but simply people who have a mixture of qualities and merits as well as faults. Much of the reason the relationship changes is because by not living at home, they feel their parents have less to do with their jobs, school progress, and even their love life. Not that they do not love their parents and want to share things with them, they just need this independence. Although this young adult could possibly miss their parents taking care of each of the small details, such as laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking, for most of them, it is worth taking on the added responsibility to feel like they have control over their own lives. As they begin to shoulder these added responsibilities, they want guidance and support, but also faith, independence and approval for the decisions they make. As emerging adults mature and begin to feel more like adults themselves, they become more capable of understanding the views their parents have. This is the time for the young adult to establish their own identity, balance, and priorities. Up until the 1970’s, the most common reason for leaving home was marriage, which meant staying home until the one’s early twenties. Young women especially did not leave home until after marriage. The typical age for one to leave home this day and age is 18 to 19 years of age, which is the lowest age ever. The age for an adolescent to move from home depends on their emotional and financial readiness as well as the relationship with their parents. Feelings of closeness, now and in the past, influence the present relationship one has with their parents. Not all children reach a near- equal relationship with their parents when they reach adulthood. Life- long conflicts and unresolved issues from childhood can allow these conflicts to continue on into adulthood. Earlier conflicts can lead to negative feelings in the future and can lead to hostility. This hostility can be hidden only to resurface later in life. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to make sure any issues are resolved. If these issues are not resolved, it is possible these issues could lead to the relationship deteriorating and there would be no relationship between the parent and child. It is important that the parent and child maintain a good relationship. Open communication between parents and adult children can ensure functional relationship between them which is full of love, respect, freedom, and newfound responsibilities. In conclusion, although not all relationships between adolescents and parents improve when the adolescent reaches adulthood, I have a very different view of my parents after reaching adulthood and having a child of my own. First, because for most adolescents, their parents adapt to their growing maturity and treat them differently once they reach adulthood, but more importantly, in adulthood children begin to see their parents as people and not just as parents.